Sometimes, when I think, “I feel like writing a post,” I laugh at myself. I hate writing. I am sitting at my computer listening to rain and thunder.Â On http://www.soundsleeping.com/. It’s kinda funny when I think about it. Those sounds would never come from outside.
I just read a post about how a church group asked a member to leave because they had too many problems. The post was about how, if ever there was a place for problems, it is church. Earlier today, I talked to my mom and heard that my aunt has a couple tumors in her brain. She had a seizure. My aunt’s body is racked with cancer. She lives alone, if she can find a ride, she will start radiation for her tumors.
I am feeling sad and melancholy.
I feel like there is something about being close to God that I am missing. I feel no where as “in tune” with God as I did when I was in InterVarsity in college. But my life has also changed. Of course my relationship with God has changed. But I am not “in it” every second, like I felt I was before. You know how gravity is just there? You are affected by it every second, but you don’t actively think about it unless you are standing on a chair and trying not to fall off. That is how I feel about God now. He affects all of me, all of my life. And I know that. I praise and thank Him for that. But I don’t think about it every second. Should I? I feel like my faith and trust in Him is solid. But I feel the lack on contact when I don’t know what to do about my aunt’s brain tumors. Besides pray. And I remember that that is the most valuable thing I have to give.
In the midst of feeling far away, I still have open access to the God of the universe. My God, my Father.